There are many tools in my master's workshop- too many to name. There are those that address personality, such as "love" and "faith," and there are those that involve skills. One of the tools that I longingly eye each day is "conversation." I want to use this tool fluidly. I want to master it. It is important for friendships, and it is necessary for my line of work. I've asked my master to teach me, and I practice with it when I can. But sometimes it's a bit heavy, and even picking it up is hard.
The other day, a friend of mine asked me if I consider myself shy. The way I understand shy, it refers to someone who is timid in interactions with others- someone who pulls away from it. No, I am not shy. Not by my definition anyway. I am drawn to people. I crave social interaction. I enjoy intimate friendships, and I enjoy being part of a group- not on the side-lines, but a contributing member. Yet I have a few things going against me as I try to convince others that I am not shy.
First, I have a hard time fitting my own thoughts into a conversation, so I tend to listen instead, and that is often fine with me 'cause I like hearing people comparing stories... although I do sometimes wish I could find a way to step into it- when I have a story to tell. That is something I continue to work on.
Second, when I don't know you, I am more likely to be be quiet because I don't know the questions to ask. I have always had a hard time with small talk; I enjoy deep discussion on religion, social issues, and such, so when I ask a shallow question, I feel fake. I don't want you to see me as fake, and I don't want to alienate you by being fake. I am starting to get this, though. If I treat it as a challenge to get you to tell me a story- more than the name of the place you work at, the types and numbers of pets you have, and so on; if I ask, "how did you get that job/pet/etc", rather than "when," "how long," or "what's it's name," which all get one-word or one-line answers, then I am more likely to get a story, which helps me to actually know you. But really, I'm just realizing this difference as I type it here. I need to try it out.... This for me isn't an issue of shyness; this is an issue of literally not knowing what to say.
Third, when I'm at a party, pot-luck, etc, I tend to be quiet because I have a hard time hearing. I hear sound fine, but I have a hard time with background noise. So when there are multiple conversations going on, or when there is music in the background, it takes all my concentration to listen. I rarely have enough left over to consider what I would say, and to say it at a time where it's relevant to the discussion, during an actual gap so that I'm not interrupting. There's just too many logistics to work around.
I think I have similar struggles getting to know people, but in a completely different way. I also hate small talk, at least unless I've found some common ground.
ReplyDeleteBeyond small talk, though, I think my M.O. is to try learn as much as I can about someone (I think I'm just a learner in general). I'm always observing, paying close attention, and asking questions to show interest. If someone's shared something recently, I tend to ask them how it's going next time I see them.
My difficulty, though, is that I don't share enough of myself with people. So I tend to get along best only with people who make an effort to understand and get to know me. Most people aren't like that, though. They prefer to talk about *their* favorite subject...themselves! For some odd reason, I'm not that way. I'm timid when the subject turns to me. I'll admit it...I'm shy.
Consequently, I feel like I get to know (and like) other people pretty well, but there's no reciprocity because they don't get to know me as quickly.
Anyway, I don't know if this helps or if there's advice you can take from this, but I just thought I'd share. ;-)