The Tool of Humility

As I work on my thesis and internship, and wait for my master to allow me to leave his workshop, he has me learning about the tools on his wall. An apprentice needs to learn to identify and to use each one- well, at least most of them. As I've said before, I covet the tool of communication. I'm not completely inept at it, but I want to master it, and that is my struggle. But there are many other valuable tools around his shop.

One is humility. I normally see myself as humble, but then I wonder if that's really true. I don't really judge others. I'm good at differentiating between a wrong action and a bad person; for example, I emphatically believe that sex outside of marriage is wrong, but if I know of someone who's doing it, I don't see them as any worse than me for it. I figure we all have different struggles, and at different levels, and are in different stages of growth. The question comes down to the heart and the person's relationship with the master, and I can't see the heart, so that is for the master to discern.... if the person says that they choose to do it and don't care what the master thinks, well that's another issue.

But sometimes I doubt that I'm really so humble. It's hard to tell. I struggle with uncertainty on where I stand in the eyes of the people I consider friends. I think if I had humility mastered, this would not be my concern. I have no need to feel superior, but every desire to know that I'm equal. I love character complements because they mean I'm doing something right, and this reassures me. I also love it when people are straightforward with me, because then I can trust that they aren't hiding negative thoughts about me; instead, such thoughts have been put on the table, and I can work on it. And they are trusting me to be able to work on it, which is a complement.

I know I'm imperfect; I'm human. But my fear is that others won't feel as merciful about my weaknesses. And that is not humility. And it creates a cyclical problem. My desire to be reassured means that others see me as insecure, which makes some people uncomfortable, which I sense, and so I desire to be reassured even more.

So, this is another tool that my master has me working on. I think the trick is to focus more on him. He is straightforward and direct and merciful. I am certain of this. And he's the one that I should ultimately be trying to please. If he's happy with me, then who cares what everyone else thinks? Complements and straightforwardness are still useful because they help me to know what God sees in me- but if I focus my attention more directly on serving and being obedient to my master, then whether others like me or not, I'll be pleasing the one who matters most.