Sunday, May 4, 2014

Two Years Later

It's been over two years. First, I was so busy finishing school. Then I went through some turmoil. Then, I was afraid. I was afraid to look at what I wrote here, because I realized it came true, in a way. It was supposed to come true; I blame no-one. I didn't remember exactly what I wrote though- how I phrased it or whether it was the last thing I wrote, and I couldn't bring myself to check- until today.

Well, it wasn't my last post; it was second-to-last: The Mountain. I had said that I sensed that I might need to lose my friends, in order to draw closer to God, my master, because somehow, though I wanted to put him first, I could see that my valuation of God and friends was mixed. I said I hoped I wouldn't have to lose them completely. That terrified me. I love them. I never wanted to lose them.

I never fully lost my friends, and from their perspective, I don't know what they saw. From mine, first, I felt suddenly cut-off. Little things that happened made me feel unwanted. I clung to the hope that it was temporary, and all a misunderstanding, or me being hypersensitive. I became depressed. I felt dead inside. That's hardly a metaphor; it was so real. I like to feel- to feel intensely. Losing feeling is terrifying to me. I felt alone... and dead. I didn't want to die; I wanted to be brought back to life. I had no idea what to do except scream to my friends for help so that it wouldn't get worse. Somehow, my scream got misinterpreted; some friends definitely were offended- I think they thought I was blaming them, but honest, I wasn't.... and honest, I'm not now, because I believe it was a misunderstanding that was meant to happen. I never believed God left me; I never lost hope for the future. But I was trapped in a sea of thick, dark muck, and didn't know how to get out. Eventually, it struck me that the darkness started about the time I started a certain medication. So I stopped the medication, and within three days, felt so much better. The situation was the same, the damage already done, but my perspective and my coping skills were different. I started a personal prayer journal, and that brought me where I need to be, putting God first.

Well, when you offend your friends, it's sometimes hard to get back to normal. I had apologized sincerely, but there was still apprehension. I didn't want to downplay it, & blame it on the medication or misunderstandings, because that's not owning up to it. I really am sorry I hurt them, under any circumstance. For me, it's been a long, awkward road. I don't always know where I stand. I don't know if they all trust me. But I know they do still care about me. And it recently crossed my mind that, you know, I have time. My friends are good people. That's why I like them. We'll figure this out.

I say all this because I feel I should follow-up on what I wrote before, and because I feel secure now. God's still working on me, but I feel good about where I'm at because I'm where God wants me.

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I love comments. It makes me feel like I'm not just talking to a wall, and rids me of the feeling that this time, I said too much, or said something the wrong way.

(I review your comments first, so if you want to say something just to me, just let me know).

I love comments. It makes me feel like I'm not just talking to a wall, and rids me of the feeling that this time, I said too much, or said something the wrong way.

(I review your comments first, so if you want to say something just to me, just let me know).