Forward

So much to say, and no language to convey it, in this hour of feeling beyond words, but I'll try....

I've explained that my dad abused me. I have kept in touch, though, because he might hurt himself otherwise. And because he might not be now, who he was then. And because maybe I am the tool for him to change.... because he wants a relationship; Because he relies on me. And because I've been afraid to make the wrong decision. Because I want to do what's right.

But I got an e-mail from him a few weeks ago. A sick and twisted e-mail that while I'm not ashamed, I won't explain here. He sent it for no explainable reason; it really didn't fit his pattern of denial. And for once, I am certain; absolutely positively certain that communication with him is harmful to me and not helpful to him, so I ended communication. And I know that the e-mail is a blessing. I've been freed from a sense of obligation... and while guilt harasses me for now, I know it's the right decision, so I continue to move forward....

My master, my God, has provided me with what I need to move forward. Life sure can be hard, but I am not overwhelmed. I am sad, with this on my heart... but I am also happy- for the good things- for my nieces and nephew and family and friends, and for my dreams for the future, and....

Anyway, my nieces and nephew really are a blessing. Today, after Missy's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese, I biked up and down the street with the girls- I raced with Lauren, and Katie learned that she really can ride her bike without falling. Then, I taught Critter, who's 3, how to hold and throw a mini-football- not that he will remember the next time he picks it up... I can't imagine not having them in my life. They'll be moving away in a couple months, but they'll still be in my life. Their being, brings me joy and I am truly blessed.

I am moving forward. I am working on my thesis, and working per diem with kids with disabilities, and volunteering at my church, and spending time with friends....

I think a part of me was shut off for awhile. A part of me couldn't feel the bigger picture; the world around me... and for me, that meant I was kinda lost because I don't know how to be me without being passionately compassionate. I never stopped caring about others, but I started seeing myself more. I and my needs became bigger, leaving less room in my mind for others than I am comfortable with... but I've been growing again, and growing closer in my relationship with God, and I am grateful.