The Mountain

I don't know what my friends think of me, really. Maybe they think I'm odd. Maybe they think I'm weak. Maybe.... but they are still here.

There is a mountain up ahead. A formidable looking mountain that towers above, as I push through the scrub of the foothills. I am hoping I don't have to climb that mountain. It seems isolated and lonely, dark and dead.... A fire must have swept through; the trees are black and bare. I can see that much from here, but not much else.

What I know, though, is I must get to my master who awaits me on the other side. Whether that means going around or over, I do not know yet. To get there, I must learn to hear his voice, which echos like the wind through the mountains. I must also be loyal; he must become my only destination, as any distractions might prevent my success.

So I walk, listening for his voice, looking for any signs of which route to take, heading in the general direction of where I intend to go- but also, taking the flattest path I can find, hoping it will stay this way, and that I can travel around this one. Of course, even this is a challenge, but it's not "The Mountain."

It is my understanding that at the height of this mountain, there are no friendships. If I must climb to the top, I leave them behind and climb solo- the way it used to be, listening intently for the voice of my master as his voice echos each step to take. I fear it may be the only way to get me to the other side where he awaits. Where I am affirmed by him, as a true apprentice.

Among the foothills, I have my friends' encouragement. My friends do want to see me get there. My friends often have the knowledge to advise me. "My friends"- a phrase that still feels new to me. The concern, however, is two-fold. First, my master wants me to learn to hear his voice personally. If I listen too intently to my friends, I may not hear him when he whispers to me. Additionally, though I think I'm stronger than this, I fear that I may hesitate too long, wishing to keep pace with my friends and take the route they take, which may differ from the one I've been given. I must put my master first; I must be willing to leave if he calls me to do so. I must be able to move on if he calls them away from me, or they turn away on their own. My fear, then, is that my master may decide that the best route for me is the lonely, barren route; the route which will prove my loyalty most solidly, but at such a high cost.

I know that if this is ever the route I must take, it will be worth it. It will strengthen me immensely as his apprentice. Yet I hope there is another way. I hope that I can learn how to put my master first in mind as well as action, to seek only his approval, and still keep my friendships- to take the low trail. My master is understanding and merciful. I know that if I can learn it this way, he will guide me through these hills. Yet my master is loving and he desires for me to grow; to be everything I have potential to be, and to have a perfect relationship with him. Therefore, if I can't attain this otherwise, he will guide me through the challenges. Either way, I am willing. He will get me there.

At the Fork

Life is strange, being so much up in the air. I am a planner, naturally, but I've had to put off job searching (for the most part) because now I'm not certain what God wants me to do next, directly after graduating. I did have plans to start immediately on starting the camp, but with the change in direction, the one thing I sense, is that it's not time for that- at least, I don't think it is.

More specifically, I feel I still need to do more in the area of "help[ing] camps become more financially sustainable." But I'm not certain of that, so as I'm keeping my eyes open for potential opportunities, and seeing nothing, I'm left telling God, "Okay, this was your idea- not mine. If you want it, you gotta make it happen, cause I can be willing, but I can't make it work."....Glad that my relationship with God is strong enough that I can talk to him like that, and it is in no way an insult- it's all about trust. "God I can't do it on my own; I am relying on you here." I'm standing in a forest, looking for the right trail, listening for the voice to tell me, or the flash of light to show me- cause there are at least five trails within sight of where I'm standing.

Maybe I'm jumping ahead of the gun; I need to finish my thesis and internship, and that is taking a great deal of my time. I have my current assignment. I haven't been left hanging, and my master doesn't have to tell me the next step yet....But wisdom also says that it usually takes time to find a job, and if I wait until I'm done, I will be spending some time doing nothing but job-hunting.... And maybe that's the plan.

In the meantime, I have in the last several weeks, come to the understanding that perhaps I'm not heading towards a job title of, "Fund Developer," or such; there aren't many such titles in the camp realm, from what I've seen. So perhaps I will be looking for a job in camp management, where one of my responsibilities among many, involves development. But that feels a little shaky. Last summer, in listening for God's direction, the words were: "Help camps..." The plural caught my attention. Now I am helping camps, plural, in my thesis, and if I take a job at a camp, that's one more. Technically, it fits the call, but I'm not convinced that this is what God meant. To me, it would make more sense if I found a job that helped a group of camps- and that has left me wondering whether such a possibility exists through the camp association. I had thought maybe I'd hear of something at the camp conference.

I Want to be Apprentice

Maybe a month or two ago, I remembered my childhood fantasy of being sent on a quest. It struck me that life really can be a quest- for knowledge and truth, and to impact the world. As I see this world, God is the one to send me out on a quest; to give me a mission and a task that will bring me closer to who I should become- to make me stronger and more wise. The adventures and challenges are just the means. He may also assign me to help others in the process; I enjoy helping others, so I hope that's a part of it. But the true goal of an apprentice is to know one's master, and the master's work better.... hmmm, so I'm just thinking, being that my master's passion is for all people, to know his work would mean that helping others- one way or another- will definitely be a part of the process.

So that memory led me to realize that basically, my discussion with God over the summer, was an official invitation to go on a quest- not the first invitation; I think my life as a whole is a quest... but perhaps, an invitation to start the next phase. What I remember from my very realistic readings about such opportunities, is that the master never told the apprentice what the whole picture was. It was generally done one step at a time. The apprentice had to trust the master. Often, the tasks seemed to take the apprentice in circles. But the all-knowing master knew what he was doing. He knew he was preparing the apprentice for the next big step.

I want to be the apprentice. The apprentice's tools included faith and obedience, which to many, seem rather lame. But the apprentice lived a life of adventure. The apprentice pleased and was rewarded by the master. And the apprentice experienced results greater than would have ever been possible if he had set out in pride, on his own.