Sometimes I worry about death- but not so much about dying, as about the people who have to deal with it. I won't finish my thoughts here tonight; maybe I'll add to it at a later point. But there are some things I'd like to say now.
1) If I die tragically, people will wonder about my last moments, so I want to say it went one of two ways: I either fought for my life til the end, or God gave me a sense of peace and helped me to let go. There was no sense of hopelessness. And hopelessness is the only thing to fear.
2) As much as I love life, and as many dreams as I have for the future, No one ever sits in Heaven saying, "Man! I wish I could go back."
3) If you didn't get to say goodbye, ask God to pass it along; but know that my last moments on earth aren't what eternity is based on- so if the last goodbye was abrupt and un-meaningful, or even hurtful, it's not like I'll spend eternity thinking you didn't care about me.... and I hope you know that I care about you too.
4) I didn't die too young to experience what God wanted me to experience. And, in fact, my life has already (while I still hope to live to be At Least 121), been very meaningful. The meaning is in relationships (and of course, in getting to know our creator who wants the ultimate relationship with us), not in worldly success. My goal is to be an encouragement every day, whatever I'm doing. Some days I succeed, other days I don't. But my now isn't building up to some goal which, if I don't attain, makes my life a failure. If my life blessed others, then my life was meaningful. And if it didn't bless them (hypothetically speaking- cause if nothing else, I at least got one run-away away from a probable pedifile/pimp and back to her family) well, my relationship with God still made my life meaningful.
5) I know I'll be in Heaven because I love God. He loves me. I want to be with him; I can't imagine being away from him. I crave him. No I'm not perfect, but he understands and accepts that. He knows I seek him. I don't have to be perfect; I just have to believe upon him- to rely on him, trust him, want him, put my hope in him- and not perfectly. I don't look to the day I get to have this and that in Heaven, or even to the day I get to see this person and that person. I look to the day that I get to be with God more truly than we can be here on earth. Those who don't make it to Heaven are those who reject him- don't care to be with him- they may want to live in a cool place like Heaven, but they don't care that it's his creation, his home- that they are guests. It means nothing to them. If he said, "Let's have dinner," they would blow him off to spend time with each other. They will probably be rude and inconsiderate to his other guests- the children who accepted his offer to "adopt" them- as well. No one in their right mind invites someone over to live as a guest if that person only wants to be there for the cool electronics, etc. Neither does God. But God does invite those who want to be with him, so I know I am invited; that's where you'll find me.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
At the Fork
Life is strange, being so much up in the air. I am a planner, naturally, but I've had to put off job searching (for the most part) because now I'm not certain what God wants me to do next, directly after graduating. I did have plans to start immediately on starting the camp, but with the change in direction, the one thing I sense, is that it's not time for that- at least, I don't think it is.
More specifically, I feel I still need to do more in the area of "help[ing] camps become more financially sustainable." But I'm not certain of that, so as I'm keeping my eyes open for potential opportunities, and seeing nothing, I'm left telling God, "Okay, this was your idea- not mine. If you want it, you gotta make it happen, cause I can be willing, but I can't make it work."....Glad that my relationship with God is strong enough that I can talk to him like that, and it is in no way an insult- it's all about trust. "God I can't do it on my own; I am relying on you here." I'm standing in a forest, looking for the right trail, listening for the voice to tell me, or the flash of light to show me- cause there are at least five trails within sight of where I'm standing.
Maybe I'm jumping ahead of the gun; I need to finish my thesis and internship, and that is taking a great deal of my time. I have my current assignment. I haven't been left hanging, and my master doesn't have to tell me the next step yet....But wisdom also says that it usually takes time to find a job, and if I wait until I'm done, I will be spending some time doing nothing but job-hunting.... And maybe that's the plan.
In the meantime, I have in the last several weeks, come to the understanding that perhaps I'm not heading towards a job title of, "Fund Developer," or such; there aren't many such titles in the camp realm, from what I've seen. So perhaps I will be looking for a job in camp management, where one of my responsibilities among many, involves development. But that feels a little shaky. Last summer, in listening for God's direction, the words were: "Help camps..." The plural caught my attention. Now I am helping camps, plural, in my thesis, and if I take a job at a camp, that's one more. Technically, it fits the call, but I'm not convinced that this is what God meant. To me, it would make more sense if I found a job that helped a group of camps- and that has left me wondering whether such a possibility exists through the camp association. I had thought maybe I'd hear of something at the camp conference.
More specifically, I feel I still need to do more in the area of "help[ing] camps become more financially sustainable." But I'm not certain of that, so as I'm keeping my eyes open for potential opportunities, and seeing nothing, I'm left telling God, "Okay, this was your idea- not mine. If you want it, you gotta make it happen, cause I can be willing, but I can't make it work."....Glad that my relationship with God is strong enough that I can talk to him like that, and it is in no way an insult- it's all about trust. "God I can't do it on my own; I am relying on you here." I'm standing in a forest, looking for the right trail, listening for the voice to tell me, or the flash of light to show me- cause there are at least five trails within sight of where I'm standing.
Maybe I'm jumping ahead of the gun; I need to finish my thesis and internship, and that is taking a great deal of my time. I have my current assignment. I haven't been left hanging, and my master doesn't have to tell me the next step yet....But wisdom also says that it usually takes time to find a job, and if I wait until I'm done, I will be spending some time doing nothing but job-hunting.... And maybe that's the plan.
In the meantime, I have in the last several weeks, come to the understanding that perhaps I'm not heading towards a job title of, "Fund Developer," or such; there aren't many such titles in the camp realm, from what I've seen. So perhaps I will be looking for a job in camp management, where one of my responsibilities among many, involves development. But that feels a little shaky. Last summer, in listening for God's direction, the words were: "Help camps..." The plural caught my attention. Now I am helping camps, plural, in my thesis, and if I take a job at a camp, that's one more. Technically, it fits the call, but I'm not convinced that this is what God meant. To me, it would make more sense if I found a job that helped a group of camps- and that has left me wondering whether such a possibility exists through the camp association. I had thought maybe I'd hear of something at the camp conference.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I Want to be Apprentice
Maybe a month or two ago, I remembered my childhood fantasy of being sent on a quest. It struck me that life really can be a quest- for knowledge and truth, and to impact the world. As I see this world, God is the one to send me out on a quest; to give me a mission and a task that will bring me closer to who I should become- to make me stronger and more wise. The adventures and challenges are just the means. He may also assign me to help others in the process; I enjoy helping others, so I hope that's a part of it. But the true goal of an apprentice is to know one's master, and the master's work better.... hmmm, so I'm just thinking, being that my master's passion is for all people, to know his work would mean that helping others- one way or another- will definitely be a part of the process.
So that memory led me to realize that basically, my discussion with God over the summer, was an official invitation to go on a quest- not the first invitation; I think my life as a whole is a quest... but perhaps, an invitation to start the next phase. What I remember from my very realistic readings about such opportunities, is that the master never told the apprentice what the whole picture was. It was generally done one step at a time. The apprentice had to trust the master. Often, the tasks seemed to take the apprentice in circles. But the all-knowing master knew what he was doing. He knew he was preparing the apprentice for the next big step.
I want to be the apprentice. The apprentice's tools included faith and obedience, which to many, seem rather lame. But the apprentice lived a life of adventure. The apprentice pleased and was rewarded by the master. And the apprentice experienced results greater than would have ever been possible if he had set out in pride, on his own.
So that memory led me to realize that basically, my discussion with God over the summer, was an official invitation to go on a quest- not the first invitation; I think my life as a whole is a quest... but perhaps, an invitation to start the next phase. What I remember from my very realistic readings about such opportunities, is that the master never told the apprentice what the whole picture was. It was generally done one step at a time. The apprentice had to trust the master. Often, the tasks seemed to take the apprentice in circles. But the all-knowing master knew what he was doing. He knew he was preparing the apprentice for the next big step.
I want to be the apprentice. The apprentice's tools included faith and obedience, which to many, seem rather lame. But the apprentice lived a life of adventure. The apprentice pleased and was rewarded by the master. And the apprentice experienced results greater than would have ever been possible if he had set out in pride, on his own.
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