Forward

So much to say, and no language to convey it, in this hour of feeling beyond words, but I'll try....

I've explained that my dad abused me. I have kept in touch, though, because he might hurt himself otherwise. And because he might not be now, who he was then. And because maybe I am the tool for him to change.... because he wants a relationship; Because he relies on me. And because I've been afraid to make the wrong decision. Because I want to do what's right.

But I got an e-mail from him a few weeks ago. A sick and twisted e-mail that while I'm not ashamed, I won't explain here. He sent it for no explainable reason; it really didn't fit his pattern of denial. And for once, I am certain; absolutely positively certain that communication with him is harmful to me and not helpful to him, so I ended communication. And I know that the e-mail is a blessing. I've been freed from a sense of obligation... and while guilt harasses me for now, I know it's the right decision, so I continue to move forward....

My master, my God, has provided me with what I need to move forward. Life sure can be hard, but I am not overwhelmed. I am sad, with this on my heart... but I am also happy- for the good things- for my nieces and nephew and family and friends, and for my dreams for the future, and....

Anyway, my nieces and nephew really are a blessing. Today, after Missy's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese, I biked up and down the street with the girls- I raced with Lauren, and Katie learned that she really can ride her bike without falling. Then, I taught Critter, who's 3, how to hold and throw a mini-football- not that he will remember the next time he picks it up... I can't imagine not having them in my life. They'll be moving away in a couple months, but they'll still be in my life. Their being, brings me joy and I am truly blessed.

I am moving forward. I am working on my thesis, and working per diem with kids with disabilities, and volunteering at my church, and spending time with friends....

I think a part of me was shut off for awhile. A part of me couldn't feel the bigger picture; the world around me... and for me, that meant I was kinda lost because I don't know how to be me without being passionately compassionate. I never stopped caring about others, but I started seeing myself more. I and my needs became bigger, leaving less room in my mind for others than I am comfortable with... but I've been growing again, and growing closer in my relationship with God, and I am grateful.

Aliens Among Us

My nieces and nephew are a blessing to me. I will love them forever. Currently, there are four, ages 3 (the boy) to 11. A couple weeks ago, I had the opportunity to spend time with them. We went to McDonald's, and I set them free in the play-place. Ah, freedom- except that my six-year-old niece, Missy, wanted to make friends with the boys... and they wanted to play, "Run away from the girl."... and except that one boy kept threatening to throw his new toy car at my eight-year-old niece, Katie...time for teaching.

But the best part was the drive home. When I was little, my dad told me I had to hold my breath and duck under all the bridges, to keep the cars on top from running over me.... I think I knew it was a game.... until my imagination took over. Well, he inspired me. I enjoy car-time with the kids. The world around us becomes a stage. We can be in outer-space, or deep in the ocean, and everything around us becomes aliens and secret communication centers, or fish and sharks and ships. So that day, we were in outer space. We had good aliens, bad aliens on motorcycles, alien-giraffes that resemble street lights, and communication towers that pick up human voices (shh, quiet!)

Yes, car-time is most definitely a good time. Next time, it's either fairy-land or monster-land. We'll see.