Wrestling w/ Monsters (WM pt1)

I am in Illinois right now, visiting my grandma. I drove here from California, by myself, which meant a lot of alone time. And now, I still have a lot of 'alone' time. Grandma is here, but she isn't highly energetic. There's lots of TV, interspersed by games of Chicago Rummy. Sometimes she starts telling me about her past, which I find interesting. But I can't grill her all day. So I read my Bible. And I exercise. And I crochet. And I read other stuff. And I crochet or read some more. And I think. And it's good for me even though it's a little hard to be still.

Cause I am wrestling with some monsters... some mean, ugly monsters- varying colors and sizes, some with claws and some with horns or spikes, each with varying numbers and types of appendages, eyes, scars, etc... and they threaten to do great damage if I don't do something about them.

When my oldest niece, Lauren, was 2, she wanted to run down the sidewalk, so I ran with her, yelling, "Ahhh! The monster's gonna get us!!!!" We yelled as we ran all the way to the end of the block. When we got there, I needed to get her home without a fuss, and I didn't want her to be afraid of monsters, so we chased the monster all the way back (still yelling). Then when we got home, I said that the monster was sorry, and we agreed to be friends.

My own monsters will never make good friends, however. They must be gotten under control and banished. Two of my favorite quest authors, Ursela LeGuin (in Wizard of Earthsea), and Madeleine L'Engle (in A Wind in the Door), talk of power in the ability to name each star, each grain of sand, and so-on.

In sociology, there is the "labeling theory," which in part, acknowledges that labeling and defining a situation- giving it a name and a description, is what makes the situation what it is, and allows people to create a response. If, for example, we name spanking as abuse, then we react individually and as a society, to spanking as a form of abuse. If a child is spanked, and discerns, "I misbehaved and this is the consequence," then the child may try to behave next time. If on the other hand, the child tells himself that the spanking is because the parent hates him, then the child will feel increasing resentment.

Point being, naming is powerful... So I must name my monsters.

Beyond that, I must recognize them- when they go away, and when they come back. They do seem to come back time and again as they try to find other ways to get to me. It's only with consistency, that they learn they really are not welcome.

And I will have to find the appropriate weapon to fight each; the truth that yields them powerless.

And I may have to fight them multiple times, in multiple battles. If the monster is strong, it may keep coming back like the monsters at the end of each level of many video games, each time with a newer, fancier weapon.

But I will continue to fight them. They stand no chance of winning against me. Because I won't give up. My master is nearby. I don't even need a fancy whistle to call him for help. He sees where I am. He hears what I'm thinking. He'll help me because I trust him, and am open to his help.

Smart Aleck

I have this habit of daydreaming up scenarios of how I would react, or like to react in various situations. I think I'm more of a smart aleck in my daydreams, than I am in real life. Today, I walked over to 7-11 for a hot dog. On the way, I saw an old man crouched down against a wall, hands on his head, covered in dirt, and looking worn out. I wished I could help him. I got to the store, and bought myself a hot dog- and decided to get him a couple steak taquito rollers- figured maybe he's had enough hot dogs, and they're cheap, so no big deal.
As I walked back, I passed him, glad he didn't disappear, and gave them to him. He smiled big and thanked me, and I continued walking, wishing I could do better, and praying that God will help him. Then I thought about the food distribution laws. It is illegal to distribute food without the right permits. The purpose is health-related. The implication is that technically, it's illegal to give food to the homeless without a permit.... not that any cop would uphold it, but if they did... say a really legalistic or grouchy cop happened to pass me as I gave the old guy food. Thus began the daydreaming:

Cop: May I see your permit?
Me: What permit?
Cop: To distribute food. It's illegal to distribute food to strangers without a permit.
Me: Well, I know his father. He wanted me to get him something.
Cop: His father? He's too old for his father to be alive!.... Oh, you mean God :-( ..... but you can't tell me this man's name, so it's illegal.
Me: Okay, so is that what the law says... that you can't DISTRIBUTE food?
Cop: Yes.
Me: Oh, okay (I hand my own food over to the old guy)
Cop: (quizzically) How does that help?
Me: Well, if I give it all to him, you know I'm not distributing it among people, right?

... I have a hard time with endings.

Doing

No, I haven't forgotten my blog. I am just at a point where doing the quest is taking up all my time, and there's no time left for writing about it. Mostly, my life is internship and spiritual growth right now- and time away, with friends on Sundays... but I will be back. I want to write. But it's 6:30 and time for me to start working, so that's all for now folks!